When the world turns its back on your peace of mind
And your best friend is half the world away
And hugs cost millions per microsecond
The sun laughs at your dizziness,
And no one else can see that your head is imploding.
When you feel that person in the room
That you can’t stand to think about
For reasons everyone knows,
Your whole body recoils and sits still.
Resounding, reverberating, hammer to the head
Drums and the thunder of being alone.
I sit alone.
In a crowd, no one notices—except the strangers sitting two chairs away.
Ghosts for neighbors.
I sit alone.
Anger fills me to saturate my bones—
Anger for reasons I don’t even know.
Anger for feeling when I shouldn’t care
Anger for knowing he’s still there.
The sun is still laughing. It sears my eyes.
I hear friends laughing—but they don’t talk to me.
I am invisible to them, but why should they care?
Seven days here, seven more and I’m gone for good.
I won’t miss them.
I dreamt my eyes were streaming,
I don’t remember why.
I never sleep, I’m always dreaming.
I woke twice in my sleep, falling off the edge.
I fell and jolted, and awoke in a strange place.
I see sunshine and strange trees and unfamiliar faces.
I can’t understand a goddam’ thing they say,
A different dialect of a familiar language.
“I’ll wait for you!” they unreliably said.
“I’ll miss you too,” I say with sad eyes—
But inside I just miss home.
Dreaming again, I think to myself.
Strange birds with funny heads,
Squawking all the day.
Myrtle trees whose leaves smell of lemon oil,
Rustling in the heatwave breeze.
People wearing funny clothes, layers upon layers,
Despite the blinding heat.
“Where’s your jumper?” they ask and laugh.
“It’s nice out,” is always my reply.
Nice weather, nice trees, but I’m unsettled.
Tears of awakening, streaming.
Jose Gonzalez sings the theme song to my soul—
Crossing the ocean, crossing my heart,
Crosses of my own dismantling.
I do myself in with every attachment
To people with cruel intentions.
Lied to, ignored, hidden from,
I can’t keep up with the hurt in my heart.
Expression comes freely—my heart is an open book
For the world to read and cast aside.
I feel as though my last few posts have been missing something. They have been happy, yes, but only touching the surface of my experience here in Australia. It’s not all koalas and Vegemite. I’ve struggled a bit, too. I feel like I need to express my frustration from today to detox my soul. I’ve been feeling some angst, pent up frustration with people situations. There are good people, there are bad people, there are good but unreliable people, there are bad people that put on an act of innocence. For me, I can’t always see through acts, and I believe in personal responsibility, so I guess I assume that other people believe the same– but it hasn’t held true here. There are cultural differences here that I cannot get used to. I love the few good friends that I’ve made here, but I really miss the people who I know I can rely on– my family and my best friend at home. I have had good experiences here in Australia, but I am ready to go home.